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May 15, 2008
A Rough Couple of Days
It's been a rough couple of days for this Mom. Natalie's been up in the night for several hours at a time and then fussy and miserable during the day as a result. She's teething and going through the normal two-year-old stuff. Nothing is right, she wants to do everything herself and quickly screams when she's unsuccessful, any transition from one activity to the next produces a tantrum, she's forgotten her extensive vocabulary and prefers whining, and there have been several moments that I have no idea what she needs or wants (probably because she's not sure either) and I want to scream (and kinda have).
I'm relating to Amy's post of several weeks ago about feeling like a "crappola mom" as I've had a few times of just losing my patience, yelling, and spanking when I probably shouldn't have and feeling horribly guilty afterward. It's hard when you're sleep-deprived to remember things like:
"This is normal developmental behavior and you just need to ride it out."
"God is patient with me when I am grumpy and disobedient and don't know what I want."
"She's doing the best she can, also sleep-deprived, with fewer coping skills, and her little brain going through so much change."
"This phase will end."
"Yes, you will be able to manage this with a newborn."
No, my thought process has been more like:
"I'm a big fat mommy failure...oh, and bad wife too since I'm too tired and stressed to be very attractive or supportive right now."
"Why can't she just be reasonable and tell me what she wants!"
"How will I ever do this with a baby?"
"I'm not getting anything done."
"I really need to do my quiet time, but I'd rather SLEEP!"
"I'm so sore and tired, and this really stinks."
"I'd like to run away to the woods or the beach! Somebody else can be your Mommy. :) "
But God is good, and gently speaks to me and strengthens me through these times in so many ways.
1. Through an amazing hubby who quickly surmises when his girls are in need of some stress-relief and brings us home sushi and later the same day takes us out to eat (walked right in to a table at the Roadhouse and had a GREAT family time!), helps around the house and takes turns dealing with the DIVA (and Natalie too--ha ha). And most of all, works hard so that Natalie and I can be home together in the first place.
2. With His Word. When I made myself sit down with Him instead of running around the other day, it was just what I needed, and then Natalie slept super long (what she needed) and I was able to putter too.
3. By taking me outside myself. I can get so caught up in my own misery, it's shameful. He reminded me of my two girlfriends who have sick hubbies and are essentially single parents now, one of whom also has to work, and both of whom have two kids...and aren't complaining! Man, talk about conviction. Made me feel quite wimpy and very thankful for what I have.
Really, what I'm feeling is the spiritual "growing pains" of raising a toddler. When you have to train up a little person to be a decent human being, it forces you to die to yourself and look at your own stuff as well. As she struggles with her need to control, I must give up my own--OUCH. And I need to be demonstrating to her how to do that, instead of showing her how to have a tantrum :) It is a difficult time, but one I must see as a gift from God, a long-term investment in my own growth, and unlike me, He is a perfect parent. I am so thankful for His patience with me, and I never want to make her feel that I only love her when she's obedient or fun to be with. It's figuring out that balance of grace and truth that can be tricky. But I cling to James 1:5...
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
Halelujah for that!
Oh, and I talked to my mom this morning...as difficult as it may be for my friends to imagine, it turns out Natalie and I are repeating history together...:)
Posted by Shannon at May 15, 2008 01:21 PM
Comments
You're a super fabulous mommy and I have so much to learn from you, Amy, and many others!
Posted by: Esther at May 15, 2008 10:06 PM
If you're repeating history, that should give you hope because you turned out to be such a sweet person! You're a great mom, too, and Natalie is very blessed to have you both as parents!
Posted by: Debby at May 16, 2008 08:07 AM
*hugs*
Shannie, I love you so much! Thanks for being so honest about your life and struggles and joys and . . . everything.
*more hugs*
Posted by: Katie at May 21, 2008 11:39 AM