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April 23, 2005
Five (Or So) Things I Hate - Updated
Today has been, overall, an "meh" sort of day. From my donut-less morning to a day in which no one returned my messages at work, today has been just okay. This morning, I started the day by reading a very funny post by Ace about five (okay, ten) things he hated. The post comes with my most stern content warning, as it's R-rated.
The post, and the discussion in the comments, got me thinking about the five (or so) things that I hate. In no particular order, here they are:
1. People who pay with checks but don't write them out until the last minute
There's a routine at stores. The cashier rings your stuff through the scanner, totals the sale and expects you to hand them some green pieces of paper, a piece of plastic or a check. So why is it that some dimbulbs look completely surprised at the fact that they have to pay for what they've thrown into their cart and don't pull out their checkbook until the very last minute?
Inevitably, I get stuck behind such a person, usually when I'm holding something heavy like a case of soda. The moron usually pulls out the checkbook, searches for a pen then asks once again for the total. It's at this point that I normally start doing my deep breathing exercises to keep from using the case of soda as a weapon.
2. Slow drivers, especially during snowstorms.
Momentum is the key to getting up hills in the winter before the roads are well-plowed - which they rarely were this winter, by the way. If you lose that momentum, you could have the best snow tires in the world and still do a lot of spinning and sliding.
So imagine being behind a driver that thinks the snow is reason to drive at 1.5 miles per hour up a steep hill. Usually this driver is older and sitting very close to the steering wheel. Driving in snow can be frightening, though, so one can be forgiven for taking it easy. In the summer there's no excuse, but the slow driving happens anyway.
It's almost as though some drivers have a committment to driving five, ten or twenty miles below the speed limit.
3. Nirvana worship
Kurt Cobain was a terrible singer, and an awful songwriter. I know, to say such things is practically blasphemy, but consider:
Come dowsed in mud, soaked in bleachI'm sure I speak for many when I ask - huh? Or how about this gem?
As I want you to be
As a trend, as a friend, as an old memory
A mulattoLike, deep, man.
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Nirvana had a cool crunchy guitar sound, but that was about it. I hate it when people talk about the "genius" of Cobain and his lyrics. You know what? His lyrics didn't make any sense and I think 99% of the people who say such nonsense only do it because they're afraid of being looked down upon by the small clique of people too stoned to tell the difference between meaningful song lyrics and the wisdom of the writing contained on a box of Lucky Charms.
Albert Einstein was a genius. Louis Pasteur was a genius. Kurt Cobain was a drug-addicted moron who got lucky.
4. Oscar-bait movies
Did anyone really like "The English Patient?" Be honest. The movie sucked. By the end of that movie, I was so irritated with the story and the director's "see what pretty pictures I can make" filmmaking that I was actively rooting for the deaths of the main characters.
When we walked out of the theater, some people were crying. I joined them. That movie cost me at least 5 bucks.
I hate movies like "The English Patient," "Gandhi," "Cold Mountain," "The Piano" and others that are made just to win awards. Inevitably, the movies are crap. Well-made crap, but boring and useless as actual, you know, entertainment.
I feel the same way about "important" authors like Toni Morrison and Jonathan Franzen. Morrison is far too convinced of her own importance to take the time to write a decent story, and Franzen is just in love with his word processor. I would rather read anything by Stephen King, whose talents are extremely underrated, than a book by Franzen or Morrison.
5. Plastic packaging
Not all plastic packaging. Just the type that it takes a good pair of scissors to get into. I know shoplifting costs us all money, but hwy should I have a terrible time getting the product I purchased out of the packaging?
I have a friend who cut himself quite badly trying to get into one of those packages with a knife. Getting into some of this packaging to the item you actually bought makes you feel like Norman Bates on a bad day.
6. Music video channels that don't play music
Okay, MTV and VH1...it's time to look at your mission statements and get back to what you do best - playing music videos. I'm tired of "Road Rules," "The Real World," "The Best of..." and all of the other ridiculous shows your networks air during the day. Just keep the U2 going and I'll be a happy man.
Wow. That was a lot of hatred in one post. Yet I somehow feel so much better. It's like therapy without the bills.
UPDATE - Okay, one more thing. Rock stars who think it's somehow cool and original to write songs from a liberal viewpoint. Ooohhh...an anti-war song. That's so original. Green Day and Bruce Springsteen, I'm talking to you. Especially smugmeister Billie Jo Armstrong. Guys, it's been done before, and so much better.
Posted by slublog at April 23, 2005 09:02 AM
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